New new restaurant alternative offered by Dining Services
As the recent restaurant transformation continues, the University continues to offer declining residents a plethora of Sol Bowl alternatives. Undergraduates happily choose – without any coercion – to spend their parents’ money on delivery to restaurants that are inspired by cultures from around the world, like Chipotle (Mexico) and Tai Chi Bubble Tea ( Asia). Students can now roll (sushi, unfortunately) California Rollin ‘II (Japanese… sort of). And last week the Yellowjackets got the chance to congregate under a crisp fall drizzle for some delicious street food: poutine (Canada) and kebabs (Rob’s).
You might be wondering how the UR could improve to provide its students with affordable and satisfying meal options? Well, starting next week, Food Services will unveil a brand new interactive option in decline – fishing lessons from weird men throwing lines off the pedestrian bridge.
We set off to interview one of Dining Services’ new instructors. When we asked for his name, the man convulsed with a chuckle and let out an awesome loogie before responding “Genesee Sam”. Sam then took a big whiff of some sort of vanilla bean spray which he calls his “money-maker”.
Mr. Sam, who requested that we call him that, was recently hired as the first of many weird new men in Dining Services’ latest branch of food education: the School of Community-Driven Nutritional Equity.
Mr Sam will also lead a foraging workshop (price per half hour) which he hopes will elucidate the true richness of root vegetables on campus grounds, as well as some low-consumption berry varieties native to the campus. Eastman Quad. This vegetarian mini-course has the working title of “In Search of Plants that, if you know what you’re doing, do very well in a stew or hash.”
University President Sarah Mangelsdorf is set to reveal the one-of-a-kind venture later this week on the podium with tearful solemnity. When asked to comment on the matter, Mangelsdorf said this:
Rager of the year at home this weekend with the savings. Meiora.
The move drew criticism from a cohort of disgruntled Yellowjackets, who called this innovation in campus nutrition “ridiculous and unhealthy” before even proposing a single deck fisher themselves. Give it a chance to spoil you, nerd-babys yuppies. You should learn to live on the bounty (only in part) filled with garbage from our Genesee – it is a perfectly fine river. Oh, you keep spinning in the sprite bottles? Used needles? Cut limbs? Was it, like, literally traumatic for you? Cultivate a spine. Hmm.